Not a mistake

Each one of us is a living miracle, discover more as my friend, Dragana Pecov unfolds her story and shares her heart’s struggles and findings in her search for significance and purpose.

My name is Dragana (eng. Darling). I take delight that God calls me His Daughter. Love to process my thoughts and feelings through writing reflections in form of prose and poetry. I believe that God is the Author of our stories and that He is using each one of our joys and heartbreaks to connect us to Him and to each other. I live in Macedonia, and I am a wife and a mother of three. Currently I am serving with Cru Macedonia

My story starts 41 years ago, with a woman who was about to become a mother for the first time. Her water broke, and that day she went into labor. At the hospital, sadly, she was left unattended and utterly alone. She was crying and asking for help as she was seeing her own belly shrinking from the lack of ammonic fluid. She was left like that for two days, when by God’s mercy, her doctor came to see her. He requested immediate C-section. I was born that night, blue because of the lack of oxygen. They fought to make me take the first breath and miraculously, I did. God had a plan for me to be here.

Often, I struggle to see how my life is making a difference in this world. Sometimes, I am misguided by the lie that I need to study more, to get some degree. I need to be a famous book writer, or have this incredible gift of communication, to stand in front of people and speak with such confidence, that my brain fog will fade away, and my words will come out as fast as an flying airplane in the sky. Oftentimes, as I was growing up, I felt so insignificant, that I wondered why I was even here. I wanted to be like all those other people that I admired. Yes, sometimes I still struggle with this lie, that if I am less of this, and more of that, I will be significant, loved, wanted, and that I will belong…

But God does not make mistakes. I am already loved, wanted and I belong because of Jesus and what he has done for me on the cross. He calls me Beloved. Every day I need to remind myself that He made this heart which feels deeply on purpose.

I am learning to cultivate a heart of thankfulness. I am thankful for my husband, and for the arms of my three children that are wrapped around me each day. They remind me every day of how much I am loved and cherished. They remind me of how important the playfulness in our lives is, and that this playfulness does not stop and should not stop when you grow up. They remind me that you can be joyful, and sad, and that you can love fully and show that without shame. I know I do not deserve any of this. So many times, I fall short of loving them as I suppose to, but they are showing me grace over and over again. I do learn for sure how God loves me and how over and over again He is wrapping His loving arms around me and is telling me that no matter what He is not leaving me.

I am thankful God kept me alive. I know He has a plan for my life here on earth, and that is why He chose to give me breath that day. But most importantly, He gave me His breath of Life and made me alive in Him.

I still have many desires. I am learning to have them, to feel them, to dream of endless possibilities. I may never be a good speaker, or I may never have some degree, or I may never become a famous book writer…And that is ok.

This time I am reminded of Mother Teresa. She went to live among the poorest of the poor. She touched the lives of people who could not give anything in return. But at the same time, I believe that she humbly received from them too. She received their love, and she was open to receive whatever God had to give her through these people. She was not boasting in what she has done for them either. She trusted God to go, to love those people, and that meant that she was open to give and to receive from them too. She touched them, hold them, reached out to them, lived among them, and simply loved them. Yes, the whole world heard about Mother Teresa, but these people right in front of her knew her intimately by her sincere, humble love she had for them. She was not interested in showing off but showing Christ’s love right there. She lived loved.

Until the end of my life I want to learn how to love. I want to learn go give and to learn to be humble before God to receive also from each person that is placed in my life. I know I fall short many times, but I do not want that to stop me from keep living and keep loving. I may never touch hundreds of people’s lives, but if I touch the ones that have been given to me, and love them as Jesus loves me, that would be enough. That would be enough.

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