Grief and how to cope with it

Grief is one of the most intense emotions that we experience as humans. It is a natural response to the loss of a loved one or precious thing. It is a deep overwhelming sadness or even anguish. Every person grieves in different ways and a different pace. Sometimes we get impatient with the speed of a grieving person recovery. We face our inability to console them and our desire to see them enjoying life again, but we do not realize that by our impatience we do not help those who grief. Instead, their wounds become more sour and painful as they feel misunderstood.

Grief can be over any loss, human, pet, belonging. Its magnitude depends on the depth of the bond and the relationship with the lost loved one or even belonging. Things that we say to help people cope with loss but will not help or console are such as “God has a better plan”. While it is true that God has a good plan for the person, it does not mean that God took away their loved one because it was a hindrance to His better plan for that person. Death is part of our fallen world and death is impacting both humans and every living being. We will experience it. At the same time, Jesus has offered us hope through his own death and then resurrection, and this hope becomes our anchor of hope and peace that surpasses all understanding when we go through the loss.

Recently as we lost our precious family dog, Lilly, I have had to comfort my children, and I realized the challenge to find the words to comfort them. I cried with them, and I hold them tight in my arms, and the words I most often said were

“I am really sorry. I know how difficult it is. I am hurting all over. I am in deep pain. I don’t understand why God did not heal her, but I know one thing for sure that God loves us, He loved Lilly and He is perfect. God is perfect in His love, God is holy, there is no sin on him, there is no injustice, He would never be unjust to us or Lilly”

And that’s the truth. God is perfect love. We may never understand on this side of life why we had to go through certain pain and situations, but faith is the assurance of things we do not see, things we hope for. And faith says: I know You are perfect. I know You love me with a perfect love. You demonstrated your great love for me by sending Christ to die on the cross me. You gave Christ for me when I didn’t love you but was your enemy. I don’t understand now why I am going through this pain, and I will probably never understand, but it is well with my soul. I choose to stand in the truth of your love and your perfect character.”

There are several ways to cope with grief. Journaling is one of them. I practice journaling and have found it very helpful especially on days when the magnitude of pain and sorrow has made it difficult for me to talk with someone else.

In journaling I record my thoughts and feelings in a conversation with the Lord. I pour my heart to Him. And as I do, my pain starts to ease, and peace fills my heart.

Another way I found helpful is writing poems. I know that this might sound impossible for some people, as you might think of certain poetry rules, techniques, and rhythm. But poems do not need to have a perfect rhythm. It is the depth of the thought and the feelings, that make a poem to stand out from another. I indeed encourage you to be bold and try to write your feelings and put them into a poem.

Sometimes we are afraid to be vulnerable and allow others to see our pain. But there is no shame in suffering the loss of a dear one human or pet. Speaking of the loss of a pet, according to phychologists the loss of a pet is a significant one that we human grief over. It is considered one of the most painful loss. I was surprised when I read that, but I totally identified with it. Here is the challenge: while losing a family member or friend would draw others to comfort you and sympathize with you in your pain, the loss of a pet is different, as not everyone sympathizes with your pain or understands that the grief is as real and intense, because in its core it was not the loss of JUST a dog or cat or bird, but it is the loss of a relationship and special bonding. It is the loss of a friend. It is the loss of a part of your life that meant a lot to you. Thus, even in that case, do not be embarrassed to grief your loss, and try to find people who have gone through the same path or are pet owners or lovers, thus they understand the importance of your pet in your life.

Lastly, I would say google on internet and find articles on how to cope with the grief. Even though my article is a modest one, I hope that if you come across this one, it will bring comfort to you knowing that I understand your pain and loss and I am really sorry. And to close I will be bold and vulnerable to share my poem for my Lilly. I hope it will encourage you to write your poem.

My beautiful Lilly

My Lilly,

my beautiful English Setter

With brown eyes deep as your love

With that sweetest look that followed me everywhere

With the finest silky hair

How much love you brought us my sweet Lilly

Oh what a happy dog you were

Your happy smile getting back from walks with the kids

running toward me to tell me you were back

I miss you terribly my sweet Lilly

There’s an empty space in my heart

I miss your company, your fun

your joyful spirit,

your attentive look

your tender eyes

Oh How I miss you my dear Lilly

I have memories of you everywhere

In every road where we walked together

In every coffee place we sat

I would read or gaze at the nature

and you would wait eagerly for the cats

my beautiful friend with silky hair

with brown spots on your face

How I wish I could hold and pat you,

hold your lovely face on my hands

If you come in my dreams

From joy I will jump

and then waking up I will cry

There’s an empty space on my heart

hurting since the day you died

We put you to rest beneath the trees

in a huge forest as you would love

I hope those trees will grow big

graciosly and beautiful feed on your love

I carved your name on their tiny trunk

One day they will be tall and big

the most beautiful trees of the park

are those where my sweet Lilly sleeps.

I will come to sit under that tree

talking to you my dear friend

even though your spirit there is not

it’s the place where I saw you last.

If I would see you again on that road

when I found you tiny and small as you were

I would take you again and again

to be at my home, my precious dog friend

27th September 2020, Tirane, Albania